Fire a NFL Team in Toronto

This is as close as Toronto will get to the NFL.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and his brother Doug, a city councilor, said that they would love to have a NFL team in Toronto and that they don't think that franchise would hurt Toronto's CFL team, the Argonauts. These absurd ideas should be fired.

Rob said a NFL team wouldn't kill the Argos because "there are a lot of football fans here,” and Doug said: “We’re huge supporters of the CFL. Rob goes down to the games all the time. He’s passionate about the CFL. The Greater Toronto Area is over five million people so I think there are more than enough people to support both teams.”

Two issues here. First, the track record of American sports leagues putting teams in Canada isn't real good. The Vancouver Grizzlies lasted only 6 years before moving to Memphis; the Montreal Expos expired after 35 years and 1 playoff appearance; and despite Canada's obvious hockey obsession, there are now only 6 NHL teams north of the border with two having relocated to the U.S. Among the remaining non-hockey teams in Canada, the Toronto Raptors and Toronto Blue Jays have become afterthoughts in their respective leagues.

The NFL has even experimented with moving a team to Toronto, allowing the Bills to play a total of 8 "home" games there between 2008 and 2012. The Bills played only 1 game at the Rogers Centre in 2010, but they were 3,500 shy of selling out the 54,000-seat stadium.

Second, despite what the Fords seem to think, it is totally implausible that a NFL franchise would not wreck minor-league football in Toronto. Historically, cities with a minor-league team that then get a major-league one don't have two teams in the same sport for very long. Minor league baseball thrived in cities like San Diego, Los Angeles and Oakland for more than 40 years until they each got major league teams, which spelled the end of lower-level baseball in those places. Beyond that, the CFL season runs June through November and it's safe to say that very few football fans would choose to see the Argos over the NFL in the fall.

Doug Ford asked: “How can the NFL keep ignoring one of the largest markets in North America?” The NFL has much bigger things to consider than moving a team to Toronto. Even after the labor dispute is settled, the NFL is going to focus on moving a team to Los Angeles. America's #2 media market is and has been for years the NFL's top expansion (or relocation) priority. The Fords can wish, hope and pray all they want, but other than a couple Bills games here and there, Toronto will not (and should not) see NFL action.

Fire Ozzie Guillen's Fan Criticism

One of these days, Ozzie is going to lose his job.

White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen lashed out at his critics yet again, saying fans shouldn't be so forgetful that he brought them a championship.

Ozzie may have ended an 88-year drought, but that doesn't mean he is exempt for life from criticism. Guillen said fans have short memories and they now urinate on the display at U.S. Cellular Field that commemorates the team's 2005 World Series victory "when they're drunk."

Guillen later said his comments were taken out of context, but that always seems to be the excuse he uses when he pisses someone off. In fairness to Ozzie, his sloppy English does make him hard to understand, but he would be the most misquoted man in sports if he were taken out of context as often as he insists.

Ozzie's real problem isn't his comments or forgetful fans. It's that the White Sox haven't made the playoffs since 2005. No fan would be happy about that sort of drought, especially given the Sox only made the playoffs 3 times between 1983-2004.

All fans can be rightfully accused of having short memories, but complaining about them isn't going to win Ozzie any fans or ballgames. He needs to stop criticizing people who pay his salary, then weakly making excuses about being misunderstood. Until Ozzie shuts up and manages, he should be fired.

Friday Firings: Derrick Rose, Rays Fan Ejection, UT Slush Fund

With Memorial Day weekend upon us, seems as good a time as any to survey things worthy of pink slips across several sports.

Rose: Definitely not a playoff MVP.

Fire Derrick Rose's Playoff Performance - Bulls G Derrick Rose must be saying: "That. Just. Happened." The reigning MVP had probably the worst 4:31 ever during the 4th quarter of Miami's 83-80 victory last night to close out the Eastern Conference Finals. At the start of Rose's epically bad stretch, his team lead 73-63. Then Rose went down like the Titanic and Miami went on a 20-7 run. Over the game's final 4:31, Rose shot 1-4 from the field, 1-4 from the foul line, turned the ball over twice, and committed 3 shooting fouls. Rose's overall playoff performance was nowhere near that bad (27.1 ppg, 4.3 rpg, 7.7 apg, almost identical to his regular-season stats), but a true MVP does not collapse the way Rose did when the season is on the line. This also shows the drawback of giving out MVP awards without taking the playoffs into account.

Fire the Devil Rays for Ejecting a Fan Who Wore a 'Yankees Suck' Shirt - The Tampa Bay Devil Rays ejected season-ticket holder Melvin Little because he refused to take off his "Yankees Suck" t-shirt while attending a home game against the Yankees with his sons 2 weeks ago. Little said a security guard told him "'Major League Baseball has determined that the shirt constitutes profanity'" so his options were to cover it up/take it off or leave. Even though Little is paying $20,000 for his seats this season, he chose to leave.

Everyone knows that every sporting event in America has its share of a-hole fans saying vile things, most of whom NEVER get removed from the stadium. Little wasn't hurting anyone, and as one of 3 Devil Rays season-ticket holders, he probably deserves a little leeway to wear the shirt. The FCC allows people to say "suck" on television, but the suddenly pious MLB has decided it's not acceptable at a ballgame? Most likely, the Yankees bitched that they didn't want people wearing the shirts, and because Bud Selig will do anything to keep his cash cow happy, he went ahead and banned them. The Devil Rays should have had the guts to leave Little alone, and until the team grows a pair, it should be fired.  

Fire University of Tennessee's Fund to Make Mistakes Go Away - The Volunteers reportedly will spend $9.1 million between 2005 and 2012 to buy out 6 coaches the school fired including 2 head baseball coaches and football coach Phil Fulmer (who will get the bulk of the cash). That doesn't include another $800,000+ for the coaches' former staffers. The school apparently has a special fund set up just to cover these buyouts. While nothing is illegal (or even that unusual here), this absolutely has to stop. The NCAA seems to like regulating things, so it should get a handle on these sort of "whoops" funds. In this case, the state of Tennessee should also be furious that its top public university is throwing away this kind of cash on sports. If the NCAA doesn't stop this, the state should.

Fire George W. Bush's Catching Skills

During a recent Rangers/White Sox game in Texas, former President George W. Bush failed to protect himself and his wife when a foul ball landed just inches from their seats. This general wussiness and lack of chivalry should be fired.

W remained seated with a slightly confused look on his face (not unlike when his people tried to explain to him why the economy collapsed in 2008) as a foul ball from Texas 3B Adrian Beltre went over the protective screen surrounding W's front-row seat and nearly smacked the ex-prez. in the head. Laura Bush was seated right next to W and he made no move whatsoever in her direction.

Not only should more be expected from a man out with his wife, but more should be expected from a former Rangers owner who played high school baseball and can still throw a strike when called upon. Plus, it's not like this was a hard line drive. Those are scary and should only be caught by fans with gloves. This ball was a weak pop up.

Sadly W's actions should come as no real surprise. He bailed on that foul ball just like he bailed on grammar during his presidency.

Hire Barry Bonds' Generosity

Now we've seen it all.

Since May 21 came and went without the return of Jesus, most people assumed this is not the beginning of the end of days. Something very strange is going on, however, now that an attorney for beaten Giants fan Bryan Stow revealed that Barry Bonds has said he will pay for Stow's young children to attend college.

Stow's attorney, Thomas Girardi, told NBC Bay Area that in April Bonds visited Stow in the hospital for about an hour and left a signed bat for Stow's two kids, who are both in elementary school. Bonds apparently agreed to make the donation about a month ago, but had not made his decision public. Stow is a single father who remains in critical condition more than 1 month after he was savagely beaten by fans at Dodger Stadium in the parking lot after a Giants/Dodgers game.

Are we all wrong on Barry Bonds? Is he just a tortured, misunderstood artist rather than an all-time a-hole? Well, probably not. But apparently he's not all bad, either, and his extreme generosity should be commended. So hats off to you, Barry, just this once.

Fire the NBA's Uneven Discipline for Gay Slurs

Stern feels all slurs are not created equal.

NBA Commissioner David Stern announced yesterday that he fined Chicago's Joakim Noah $50,000 for yelling a gay slur at a fan during Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Noah should have been fined $100,000 just like LA's Kobe Bryant, so Stern should be fired for being uneven.

NBA Spokesman Mark Broussard explained the dollar discrepancy. "Kobe's fine included discipline for verbal abuse of a game official," he said.

Allegedly, both Noah and Kobe used the same hateful word to draw their fines, but Stern is drawing a distinction in the severity of their crimes because of the direction in which the two epithets went. As a result he is essentially saying that not all slurs are equal and that he cares more about his referees than his fans. Everyone who follows the NBA knows that Stern treats any remotely negative comments about officials as if someone had insulted his mother. That's fine, but vile words are vile words, and to whom they are said really doesn't matter (even though the fan who drew Noah's ire is not a sympathetic figure).

Noah's teammate Luol Deng showed why Stern needs to protect fans as he does referees. Commenting on the type of fan behavior Noah faced, Deng said "there's times where a fan like that, honestly I feel like jumping in the crowd and hitting him. We're humans, and the camera is not on that fan at all." Fan speech would ideally be regulated, but it's unrealistic to police 20,000 people to that extent. That means the players just have to control themselves, especially since Deng seems to have forgotten a little event from 2004 - the infamous "Malice at the Palace." Deng didn't say he's going to hit anyone, but in light of the NBA's history of players attacking fans, his statement is pretty disturbing.

Stern needs to step in and show that a slur is a slur, no matter who it's directed at or why it was said. The NBA absolutely doesn't condone homophobia, but it needs to show it by punishing players evenly and severely for these infractions.

Hire Fred Wilpon's Analysis of the Mets

Wilpon calls 'em as he sees 'em. (NY Daily News)

Embattled Mets principal owner Fred Wilpon showed once again that hindsight is 20/20, based on comments he made in a recent profile in The New Yorker. At least he's (mostly) realistic about the state of his team, and for that his statements should be hired.

Wilpon said that he was foolish to pay OF Carlos Beltran "based on that one series. He’s 65 to 70 percent of what he was.” Wilpon refered to Beltran's 2004 playoff performance in which he hit 8 home runs, drove in 14 runs and batted .435 in 12 games.

It certainly seemed like the Mets over-valued Beltran because of that one amazing playoff run when they signed him to a $119 million contract the following off-season. At the time Beltran had never hit above .307 and except for the 38 homers he smacked in 2004, had never hit more than 29 in a single season. Beltran has since had individual seasons in which he hit 41 and 33 homers, but he hasn't topped 10 since 2008. He hasn't batted above .284 in a full season since he signed with the Mets. Wilpon seems to have learned his lesson on that, at least.

Wilpon may also have learned a few lessons from George Steinbrenner, who thought that publicly embarrassing his players would motivate them. Yeah, not so much. Wilpon said of SS Jose Reyes that "he thinks he’s going to get Carl Crawford money. He’s had everything wrong with him. He won’t get it.” Safe to assume Reyes won't be back in a Mets uni next season. Then came Wilpon's most surprising comment, regarding the face of the Mets, 3B David Wright. “A really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar.” Wright was certainly on his way to superstardom, at least until his power numbers and his strikeouts went in the wrong directions starting in 2009. Wright is, however, getting superstar money at $14 million for 2011.

Wilpon's comments indicate that he is frustrated with his team's performance (any owner with a pulse would be) and he recognizes that he screwed up with Beltran, Reyes and Wright on varying levels. This may all seem like pretty obvious stuff, but there are plenty of delusional owners (Mike Brown of the Bengals) and owners who won't admit their mistakes (The Boss). Criticism isn't a good motivator for the coddled psyches of modern athletes, so Wilpon might want to keep some of his rhetoric in check. But realizing one's mistakes is the first step to improving anything, so perhaps there is hope for the Metropolitans with Wilpon in charge. That is if he manages to stave off financial ruin and hold onto the team.