Friday Firings: Roger Goodell, Albert Haynesworth

Albert doing what he loves. (Credit: AP)

It's been a tough week for the Redskins' Albert Haynesworth, who was indicted on sexual assault charges. It hasn't been such a great week for Roger Goodell, either. First the NFL is ordered to end the lockout, now he's being fired by Sports HR for whining and for not suspending Haynesworth. It's firing time for these two, plus someone needs to point out the unrelated fact that baseball is as balanced as ever. So we are. 

Fire Haynesworth for being an all-around a-hole - Now that Haynesworth has been indicted for allegedly sexually assaulting a black waitress (you'll see why race matters in a second) at a hotel restaurant in Washington, he should be suspended by the NFL whenever normal league activity resumes. Although Haynesworth has an iron-clad alibi on his side (he said he doesn't "even like black girls"), in the past year he has been involved in lawsuits brought by a bank, an exotic dancer, a man he allegedly punched in a road-rage incident and his ex-wife, who said he wasn't paying her health insurance or making child-support payments. Any one of these suits could conceivably have justified suspension.

Now he faces criminal charges, which some players whom Goodell suspended (Ben Roethlisberger) never dealt with. The only difference between Roethlisberger and Haynesworth is that Albert's off-field troubles have gotten a lot less press. The HR Department loves Goodell's hardline stance on discipline, but he shouldn't suspend players only when there's enough media pressure. Haynesworth should have been suspended a long time ago for being a failure as a citizen, and Goodell should be fired for allowing Haynesworth to keep misbehaving.

Fire Goodell Whining About Labor Relations - Speaking of Roger Goodell, the Commish painted an apocalyptic picture in a Wall Street Journal op/ed about the future of the NFL if there is no collective bargaining agreement. Goodell is right that no agreement would be bad, but is anyone saying that's going to happen? Haven't heard anything from DeMaurice Smith or any of the players about a refusal to ever reach a collective bargaining agreement.

Goodell is pissed because Judge Susan Nelson's ruling crippled the NFL's ability to bend the players until they snap. Goodell called Nelson's ruling (which the HR Department fired, to be fair) a "decision [that] may endanger one of the most popular and successful sports leagues in history." Really? The players are just going to ruin something that generates $9 billion a year? Seems pretty unlikely. The players will never do everything the owners want, but that doesn't mean they can't be sensible. Goodell is being a sorer loser than Bill Belichik after he lost Super Bowl 42 (Roman numerals are silly), and he needs to quit whining and start negotiating.

Hire Baseball's Competitive Balance - MLB is quietly becoming a very evenly matched league. Through the first month of play, just three teams in all of baseball are more than 5.5 games out of first and no team has fewer than 9 wins. As time goes on some teams will pull away from the pack, but MLB should be pleased so far.

Fire Title IX Until It's Fixed

A recent report by the New York Times found that a number of Division I sports programs skirt Title IX by padding women's teams with phantom players and sometimes guys. That means Title IX isn't working the way it was intended, so it needs to be fired until it can be improved.

The report found many programs kept athletes on rosters even after they quit a team or who never actually played on a team. In other cases teams took advantage of a loophole in Title IX that allows male practice players to be counted as females, the report said.

Title IX has helped women make strides in college sports, but it still hasn't achieved what the law was intended to do, which is create gender equality in athletics. Part of the reason is that equality is very difficult to achieve when so many more men across the board are interested in sports than women.  One of the measures of compliance with Title IX is the proportionality of female athletes to female students on campus. Women now make up 53 percent of Division I schools, but only 46 percent of athletes. Title IX hasn't made more women want to play sports than men, so it ends up punishing men because they have too much interest relative to women. This is a good solution?

Schools don't love Title IX, no matter how PC their rhetoric, because financial realities are incompatible with the regulation. Only two college sports make money (in some cases) at the Divison I level: football and men's basketball. That's it. All other men's sports and all women's sports are drains on the school. So here's what should happen: don't make equality based on roster size or ratios the goal. Make sports about competitiveness. Why keep a team around if it's 0-30 every year just because the law says you have to? No one can lie about wins and losses, and teams that don't average a certain winning percentage over a period of years would be gone for at least a few years before they could be reinstated. Women's sports should not be eliminated outright, but until Title IX is fixed, it should be fired.

Fire Dan Snyder's Defense of His Lawsuit

Redskins owner Dan Snyder issued a letter yesterday in which he explained why he is pressing forward with a libel lawsuit against Washington City Paper and reporter Dave McKenna. Snyder still sounds like a child who didn't get what he wanted for Christmas, so his defense attempt should be fired.

In Snyder's world, Dan is spelled "j-e-r-k."

In his letter, Snyder said: "I originally filed [the suit] for one reason: The paper refused to issue an apology and retract false and damaging attacks on my integrity. If it had done so, there would have been no lawsuit." He went on to say that he was most bothered by McKenna's statement that Snyder "got caught forging names as a telemarketer for Snyder Communications.”

McKenna is guilty of sloppy wording on that one, but he is far from way off. In 2001, Snyder Communications Inc, Snyder Direct Services Inc and Snyder Communications LP settled a lawsuit in Florida for $3.1 million. The Florida Attorney General's Office said: "In the case of Snyder Communications, our investigation revealed thousands of instances in which the marketing agent's representatives forged customer's signatures to switch them to GTE (now part of Verizon) long distance." Snyder's company didn't acknowledge any wrongdoing in the settlement, and it's true that Snyder himself probably didn't forge any signatures. Kind of like when a Mob boss orders a hit but doesn't pull the trigger himself, Snyder either knew what was happening or should have known because he was the boss. We'll never know what Snyder knew about this scandal and when he knew it, but he is still responsible for the actions of his company whether he likes it or not.

Snyder also said in his letter that he is "not thin-skinned about personal criticism." This is the same Dan Snyder who says the City Paper's photo illustration that accompanied McKenna's story is "anti-Semitic" because it shows him with devil horns and a beard, yet Snyder refuses to change the logo or name of his team, which might be just a little offensive to Native Americans. This is the same Dan Snyder who said in his letter that he "honor[s] vigorous free expression in the media" yet banned signs from FedEx Field in 2009 if they criticized him and threatened to eject fans who were expressing themselves.

Snyder said McKenna's article has damaged his reputation. Is that even possible? Given all of the nasty things he has done over the years and his epic mismanagement of his team, most Redskins fans already hate Snyder. If Snyder is so worried about his reputation, maybe he should spend some time doing community service instead of suing reporters. Until Snyder learns to wear big-boy pants, he will be fired. 

Fire Judge's Ruling Ending NFL Lockout

U.S. District Judge Susan Nelson held that the NFL must end its lockout of the players, a move that will only add more confusion to an already messy situation.

Nelson wrote: The players "have made a strong showing that allowing the League to continue their 'lockout' is presently inflicting, and will continue to inflict, irreparable harm upon them, particularly when weighed against the lack of any real injury that would be imposed on the NFL by issuing the preliminary injunction."

There's no doubt that the lockout is damaging to the NFL, but what else are the owners supposed to do? If there is a future labor dispute in any league, it will now be far more difficult for owners to take any action that would force the players to make an agreement. This could result in more seasons like 2010, in which there was no NFL salary cap. That lead to a great deal of confusion and altered the status for many free agents. The result was that many talented players went unsigned or received far less than they would have commanded on the open market.

The NFL will obviously appeal the ruling and there are still many more legal matters left to settle before this dispute ends. The NFL owners are in the wrong in terms of many of their demands and actions (or in-actions), but they are not wrong to exercise what should be their right to lock players out. This ruling could swing the balance of all future sports league labor disputes in favor of the players. One league, MLB, knows exactly what it's like when players have all the power. In 1994 the players went on strike and ultimately got almost everything they wanted from the owners. But the sport suffered an attendance dip from which it didn't recover for about 4 years. Is that scenario any less damaging than a lockout? Nelson set a dangerous precedent with this ruling and for that she should be fired.  

UPDATE: DeMaurice Smith, head of the NFL players union that doesn't exist (wink wink), said today on ESPN Radio that: "To be in a state where the National Football League is allowing this kind of chaos to occur ... I'm not sure it's good day for football in the long run." The "chaos" has resulted from teams allowing players to enter facilities but not work out. Did the the NFL create the chaos? No! The NFL is just as confused as the players and we have Nelson to thank.

Fire Jeter Complaining About Contract Talks

Jeter needs to move on.

In a soon-to-be-released book by ESPN's Ian O'Connor, details have emerged regarding Derek Jeter's contract negotiations with the Yankees. In the book, Jeter was very angry with the way the talks were handled and he should be fired for thinking the Yankees mistreated him.

According to the book, which also details Jeter's strained relationship with A-Rod, Jeter walked out of a 4-hour meeting with Brian Cashman and Hal Steinbrenner after 45 minutes in part because he was angry about leaks to the media. Cashman reportedly asked Jeter to stay and said: "'You said all you wanted was what was fair. How much higher do we have to be than the highest offer for it to be fair?'"

The Yankees were more than fair. Everybody knows Jeter had his worst season in 2010, and few players in the history of the game who didn't take steroids (and Jeter doesn't) have avoided rapid decline as they approached age 40. The Yankees offered him $45 million for 3 years but eventually agreed to pay him $51 million for 3 years with a 4th-year option even though Jeter hit .270 last year with a .710 OPS.

Jeter sought something along the lines of $80 million over 4 years, which was completely unrealstic, and it seems like he's bitter someone finally said no to him. Jeter had no other offers, he's become a mediocre SS and his hitting will never again be as good as it was. So far this year, Jeter is hitting .257 with a .601 OPS. That can be dismissed as meaningless in April, but there is a disturbing trend. Of Jeter's 19 hits, just 2 have gone for extra bases. That's 11% of his hits, compared with 24% of his hits going for extras last year, which of course was a down year. The Yankees signed on for 3 years of declining productivity, and they will probably regret it whether or not Jeter remains an everyday player.

While George Steinbrenner would have kissed Jeter's feet and given the Captain whatever he wanted, this is a new New York Yankees. Jeter had never dealt with the new New York Yankees, which seem committed to overpaying by less and doing it less often. Jeter couldn't take that reality, and he has no right to be angry about his contract because the Yankees were more than fair. Jeter is still the highest-paid SS in the game even though he is now far from the best. By comparison, Florida's Hanley Ramirez is scheduled to make $11 million in 2011. He hit .300 with an .853 OPS and 21 home runs in 2010, which for him was a down year. Jeter has no right to be upset, and his resentment should be fired.

Friday Firings: Mike Leake, MLB Playoff Expansion, NFL Schedule

Leake is lucky he plays baseball.

With winter continuing to harass much of the country even though it's late April, seems like as good a time as any to make multiple firings. Let's get down to it.

Fire Mike Leake - The Reds pitcher was busted this week for attempting to shoplift at a Macy's in Cincinnati when he got caught removing security tags from 6 t-shirts with a total value of $59.88. Leake is no Winona Rider and he faces a maximum of 180 days in jail (not happening), but so far he has not received any disciplinary action from baseball. He made his start as scheduled yesterday and Bud Selig has been mum. If Leake were a lawyer he would face being disbarred; if he worked in government he would be fired. Since he throws a baseball, he seems to face no punishment. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell gets a lot of criticism for being tough on troubled players, but he sends the right message that poor behavior isn't tolerated. Baseball is too lax on Leake and others.

Fire MLB Playoff Expansion - After a rare good move in which MLB will take control of the Dodgers, Selig went back to his usual bad decisions yesterday when he said he would like to expand the playoffs in 2012 to 10 teams. This should be fired because the season is already too long, and if 10/30 teams make the playoffs that's bringing baseball ever closer to the NBA, which allows 16/30 into the postseason. Fans have complained for years that the NBA regular season doesn't matter and that's where baseball is headed. Let's kill this expansion plan now.

Fire Possible NFL 9/11 Memorial Game Cancellation - The Jets are scheduled for a home game on the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Although no details have been announced for any sort of pre-game memorial ceremony, Coach Rex Ryan said "it's an honor to be hosting a game that night," which leads us to believe that something special could be in the works. But the best laid plans of mice and men are ruined when there's a labor dispute. It would be very sad if greed cancelled a game that is meant to honor those lost in one of the most tragic events in the history of the United States. Aside from a firing, this is also a plea to the NFL to solve its problems before this game is cancelled.

Hire MLB Taking Control of the Dodgers

It seems Bud has been listening to Sports HR.

In a rare moment of clarity, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig did the right thing when he stripped Frank McCourt of his day-to-day control of the Dodgers.

Earlier this week the HR Department fired McCourt because of his financial and personal troubles, and since Selig obviously follows this blog, he announced yesterday that MLB is taking possession of the team because of "deep concerns regarding the finances and operations of the Dodgers and to protect the best interests of the club."

Unfortunately, this move by MLB will neither turn the Dodgers around right away nor will it make their situation any less sticky. McCourt is rumored to be gearing up for a lawsuit against MLB because his lawyers apparently didn't have enough work with his divorce case. The Dodgers roster will probably stay pretty stagnant until a real owner is found, and the team's record will more than likely be mediocre. MLB controlled the Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals from 2002 until the middle of the 2006 season and the team had a record of 314-334 during the 4 full seasons MLB was in charge.

On the plus side, nothing that happens to the team could be worse than the move from Brooklyn, so this isn't so bad! The Dodgers were going to be stuck with several years of chaos and bad teams as long as McCourt was in charge; now the team is headed for several years of stagnation and mediocrity. This is progress. It might be a tough few years for Dodgers fans, but now that Bud has stepped up and taken control things will get better.

Fire NBA Referee With Anti-Dallas Bias

What did Dallas do to Danny? (Credit: Icon SMI)

Various media outlets reported yesterday that NBA Referee Danny Crawford seems to have it in for the Mavericks during the playoffs. Last night's 101-87 Mavs win over Portland appears to confirm that bias, so Crawford should be fired. 

According to the report, the Mavs are 2-16 in the playoffs when Crawford officiates and 48-41 when he's not on the floor. Dallas has also been called for 2.3 more fouls per game than their opponents and averaged 6.8 fewer free throws than their opponents in playoff games Crawford worked heading into last night.

When David Stern saw this report yesterday, he probably called Crawford immediately (something to do with that Tim Donaghy thing), which might explain why the Mavs shot 26 free throws last night and Portland shot 27. The Blazers were called for 22 fouls and Dallas was called for 20. Each team got 1 technical. What a coincidence!

Stern knows that everyone is watching NBA officiating very closely, just looking for stories like this. BD (before Donaghy) it's possible that the report on Crawford would have been dismissed as coincidence, but not AD (after Donaghy). Stern is extremely conscious of the NBA's image in the AD era, perhaps more than any commissioner in any sports league and now he has yet another problem with an official. How can anyone trust Crawford to officiate a game fairly? And forcing Crawford to even things out as Stern did last night isn't any better than allowing him to exercise his usual bias. Sometimes perception is more important than reality, and Crawford has a perception problem. Stern needs to fire him now or this issue will continue to haunt the NBA.

UPDATE: Donaghy weighs in on Crawford on ESPN Radio Dallas: "[It's] absolutely not [a coincidence that Dallas is 2-16 when Crawford refs their games]. I think that would be absolutely impossible to put that as a mere coincidence. It's no secret that when Ed Rush was supervisor of officials, he had a hatred for Mark Cuban and Danny Crawford was one of Rush's right-hand guys. So he carried out what he thought would be in the best interest of him being in the good graces with the supervisor of officials. Some guys enjoy sticking it to Mark; it's no secret."

Hire And Fire McNabb to Minnesota



It's tough to justify bringing in McNabb at this point.

Rumor has it that the Vikings are interested in acquiring Redskins QB Donovan McNabb, a move that should be fired and hired, depending on your perspective.

If you're the Redskins, you have to take what you can get since Coach Mike Shanahan has decided McNabb is at best a pricey backup on a roster without a first-string QB. The team is already stuck with one high-profile, unhappy veteran in Albert Haynesworth and it doesn't need another in McNabb (though he has infinitely more grace than Haynesworth and would never disrupt the locker room). But after the Redskins classlessly dissed McNabb throughout 2010, there's no way he wants to be back with the team and since the Redskins lost badly-needed draft picks to get him from the Eagles, they should try to recoup some of what they gave up.

If you're the Vikings, fire this move. Minnesota sold its soul for 2 years of Brett Favre, and it almost got them to the Super Bowl. Even if Favre wants to come back in 2011 for his 38th un-retirement, Minnesota should stay as far away from him as Jenn Sterger and every masseuse in the greater New York area. The problem is that Minnesota really doesn't have a first-string QB on its roster, either, and the NFL lockout has prohibited it from finding one in free agency. The lockout shouldn't be an excuse to make a stupid move, though, since a trade would have to wait until the labor dispute ends. Even if McNabb comes cheap to the Vikings, he's simply not someone who will be satisfied with riding the bench. You have to start him, and what would you get? Not much improvement over Favre: In 2010 McNabb threw 14 TD passes, 15 INTs, averaged 259.8 yards per game and had a passer rating of 77.1; Favre threw 11 TDs and 19 INTs, averaged 193.0 yards per game and had a rating of 69.9.

The Redskins need to cut their losses on McNabb, so whatever they can get is gravy. Minnesota on the other hand needs to stop bringing in washed up QBs as one-year stop gaps and spend some time developing their QB of the future. The Vikings haven't made great decisions the last few years, so the Redskins may be lucky enough to have found a foolish trading partner.

Fire Broke Baseball Owners

The McCourts are contesting everything, including this plaque.

Last week the LA Times reported that Dodgers owner Frank McCourt received a $30 million loan from Fox to meet payroll obligations, a move that means he's broke - and should be fired.

McCourt has been locked in a bitter divorce battle with his ex, Jamie, that makes any breakup you've ever had seem downright pleasant. A judge ruled that she is a part of owner of the team, which means McCourt's days as owner are numbered unless he has the cash to buy her out (if she's willing to sell to him) and this loan kind of makes it seem like he doesn't. McCourt has owned the team since 2004, and the Dodgers had been doing pretty well with him in charge (4 playoff appearances). But since the divorce proceedings began in 2009, the Dodgers have slashed payroll, stayed away from the free agent market and watched their record fall below .500 for the first time since 2005. This is obviously a team in decline, even if Frank somehow manages to keep running the organization.

Unfortunately for baseball, McCourt isn't the only owner in serious trouble. The Mets ownership group, chaired by Fred Wilpon, is being sued for $300 million by a trustee representing Bernie Madoff's victims. Wilpon is seeking a minority owner for the team in the hopes that it will raise about $200 million. Several prominent types, including Mark Cuban and Donald Trump, have already said they're not interested. The main challenge for Wilpon is finding someone willing to take a minority share. Even if Wilpon and company somehow pull off the miracle trifecta of successful defense in the Madoff lawsuit, finding a minority owner and returning the team to financial solvency, it would still be a loss for Mets fans. Wilpon bought into the Mets in 1980 and became principal owner in 2002. Since 2002, the Mets have made the playoffs just once despite a $150 million+ payroll and only had a winning record 4 times.

Bud Selig will tell you how financially healthy baseball is, and maybe he's being honest. But having two teams struggling in the two biggest media markets in the U.S. has the makings of disaster for the sport. Asking Selig to behave responsibly is like asking Congress to, well, behave responsibly, but there is precedent for baseball owners being forced to sell dating to the 1940s. Most recently, Marge Schott was forced to sell her interest in the Reds (in 1998) basically because she was an awful person. Selig would do the game and the fans of the Dodgers and Mets a massive favor if he forced McCourt and Wilpon to sell. Until he does, the HR Department will take matters into its own hands and fire any pro sports owner who is too broke to even make payroll.

Friday Firings: Baseball Players Against Replay, Tiger's Interview

Sometimes athletes need to shut up. Other times they just don't say enough. Here are two firings that cover both ends of the athlete conversation spectrum.

Tiger: looking happy to oblige as always.

Fire Tiger Woods' Interview "Skills:" After completing an impressive Sunday surge at the Masters last week, Tiger gave a post-mortem interview that would make Bill Belichick proud. Tiger curtly answered 3 questions from CBS' Bill Macatee; his longest response was less than 10 words.

Of course this behavior is nothing new from Tiger. Even before his personal-life meltdown he was never one to say much. If he wants to win back the fans (and endorsements) he lost, though, it might be a good idea for him to at least pretend to be personable. He has always come across as aloof and sort of a jerk, and it's really hard to cheer for someone who behaves that way. Maybe he doesn't care what people think. Maybe he doesn't care that he's being rude to reporters who are just doing their jobs. Maybe the fans should stop caring how Tiger plays.

Fire Baseball Players Against Instant Replay: Baseball is considering expanding instant replay in 2012 for calls on fair/foul balls and trapped balls, an idea that should be hired. What should be fired, though, is players who said they don't want any replay use, let alone more of it.

Mariners 3B Chone Figgins said: "To have those guys go back and look at replay for everything, it would be just too long." Hey, Chone, have you got somewhere else to be? Last time the HR Department checked, you're getting paid $9.5 million this season. But if you can't be bothered to wait around while the umpires make sure they got the call right, then you're free to pursue other careers.

Giants 1B Aubrey Huff pulled the old "preserving the past card," saying: "You're messing with the history of the game when you start messing with too much." And just what history is he talking about, exactly? Maybe he means that time in the playoffs in 1996 when umpires who didn't have replay didn't see that some kid reached about two feet over the outfield wall to help Derek Jeter hit a home run. Or maybe he means that time in 2010 when then-Detroit pitcher Armando Galarraga threw a perfect game, except he didn't because an umpire blew an easy call at first base and gave the batter a hit.

Baseball is slow anyway, and the integrity of the game is affected when umpires miss calls. Apparently some players just don't get that, and they should be fired until they get a clue.

Hire DeMarcus Ware's Generosity

DeMarcus's financial planner must be de man.

Cowboys star LB DeMarcus Ware said he will pass on the emergency money players will begin receiving on Friday as a cushion during the lockout, an act that should definitely be hired.

Ware said: "I think it builds a unity and lets guys know there are players out there with you, who will give up their $60,000, that this is a brotherhood, this is a fraternity."

The NFL Players Union, which no longer exists (wink wink), collected extra money last year so that every player could receive as much as $60,000 (depending on roster time in 2009-2010) during the lockout they knew would come this year. Ware, who has a $79 million contract with $40 million guaranteed, decided he could do without this allowance and let someone more needy have the cash. That doesn't seem like a big deal for someone making that much, but it is. Here's why.

By all logical measures, very few NFL players should need $60,000 to get by for the next year. The veteran minimum in 2010 was $325,000 and rookies made at least $285,000. The problem is that NFL players don't get paid most of their salary if they don't play, and nobody plays a full season. Beyond that, athletes are notoriously bad with their money. Michael Vick will owe creditors $12 million through 2015. Angels outfielder Torri Hunter once sunk $70,000 into inflatable rafts that would protect office furniture during floods (shockingly the idea didn't take off). To put this in a larger perspective: Sports Illustrated reported in 2009 that within two years of retirement, 78% of NFL players are bankrupt or facing financial stress. 

The NFL is hoping to break the players through either the legal system or by bleeding out their finances. If other players followed Ware's example, it would take a lot longer for the owners to get their way, and it might buy the players enough time to get their own win through the legal system. Hats off to Ware for selflessly fighting the man.  

Fire Chris Paul Signing With Charlotte in 2012

If Paul signed with the Bobcats it would not get a thumbs up.

New Orleans guard Chris Paul said April 12 that he would consider signing with the Bobcats in 2012 because he would like to play for and learn from Michael Jordan. Why would he want to do that?

Paul said: "I think guys do and will want to play for MJ. Who better to learn from?"

Lots of people would be better to learn from, Chris. Everybody knows Jordan will be the standard against which every basketball player is measured until the end of time. Fine. But ever since the press stopped giving Jordan a free pass, we've learned the following: he cheated on his wife, which led to a divorce; he is an incredibly petty, vindictive and bitter person as evidenced by his Hall of Fame induction speech in 2009; and he is pretty darn awful at running a basketball team.

Jordan was a player/owner/president of basketball operations for the Washington Wizards from 2000-2003. During his two full seasons with the team the Wizards missed the playoffs and had a combined record of 74-90. The Wizards also drafted a slew of first-round busts during those 3 years: Kwame Brown, Juan Dixon and Jarvis Hayes. Brown was the first overall pick in 2001, and Jordan didn't do much to help develop him as a player. Brown only started 23 games over his two seasons with MJ, so he never really got a chance, but he also didn't make much of his opportunities: He averaged 7.4 points and 5.3 rebounds per game in his "best" season with the team. He has yet to blossom in the NBA, and averages 6.8 points per game for his career. Jordan did so well in his time with the Wizards that when he retired as a player for the third and final time, he was fired from his front-office job.

Now Jordan owns the Bobcats, which he purchased in 2010. He has had a stake in the team since 2006, though, and in that time the Bobcats have yet to make the playoffs or get above .500 in a season. The team has also had 4 coaches during Jordan's tenure. The star of the current Bobcats team is, well, no one, and the roster includes Kwame Brown, a truly inexplicable move given his history of failure with MJ.

It's understandable that Paul would want to return to his native North Carolina, and it seems logical that playing for the best ever would be a great experience. But the fact that not one superstar has signed with the Bobcats is extremely telling, and Jordan's history of failure in management is the reason the stars don't shine in Charlotte unless they play for the other team. Paul isn't about to reverse a trend, so let's fire rumors about him going to Charlotte right now.

Fire Canseco as Independent League Manager

Better at selling books than hitting balls. (Credit: UPI)

Former MVP Jose Canseco will serve as player/manager for the Yuma Scorpions of the independent North American League, but he should be fired before he even plays/manages a game given his history of cheating, legal issues and lack of reliability.



As everyone knows, Canseco freely admits that he pioneered steroid use in baseball, used performance enhancers for years and alleged that he gave drugs to other players. He also has a long history of legal problems. In 1997 he was charged with hitting his wife. In 2006 he was successfully sued for $250,000 by another independent baseball team, the Yuma Armada. In 2008 he was charged with smuggling a male fertility drug from Mexico to the U.S., which may suggest that he continued using illegal performance-enhancing drugs well after he was out of the majors. He has also shown that he isn't reliable. In March he pulled a bait-and-switch when he attempted to have his twin brother, Ozzie, fill in for him at a celebrity boxing match. The fight promoter wasn't fooled, canceled the fight, and won't pay either Canseco.

Independent baseball is a different world in that most of the guys playing there either won't get a shot at the majors or had a shot and are in the twilight of their careers. That doesn't mean the games don't matter to them. Canseco has never been a manager and given his history, how can he be trusted to be a strong leader, mentor and decision-maker? Babe Ruth wanted desperately to manage after he was through playing, but he never got a chance. Supposedly he was told that since he couldn't manage himself, there was no way he could manage a team. The same issue haunts Canseco. 

If the Scorpions want Canseco there as a draw for fans, so be it. He has no business managing a baseball team and should be fired in that capacity right away.  

Fire Redskins Owner Daniel M. Snyder

Daniel M. Snyder is not as cool as this pose suggests.

Redskins owner Daniel M. Snyder has decided to require all season-ticket holders to pay in full by May 1, according to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, even though there may not be a 2011 season, and for this he should be fired.

Daniel M. Snyder (he's a casual guy, so that's how he wants people to refer to him) belongs in the owners wing of the firing hall of fame, along with Al Davis, Mike Brown and Art Modell, for his superb dismantling of the Redskins. And be sure to put this on his plaque: While some other teams are allowing season ticket holders to keep at least some of their money until the NFL labor dispute is settled, Daniel M. Snyder has his hand out now.

This is nothing new for Daniel M., who frequently displays the sort of greed normally reserved for investment bankers. Snyder once sued a 73-year-old grandmother who couldn't pay her season-ticket tab and contracted with a defunct airline to sell their stale, leftover peanuts at Redskins games. Now he's suing a writer for the Washington City Paper, claiming a months-old story that nobody read until he brought it up defamed him. Here's a news flash Daniel M.: No story could ever really defame you because just about everyone already hates you.

Aside from Daniel M. Snyder's epic foolishness in running a professional sports franchise, he has shown time and again that he is just a big ole' meany. The HR Department would love nothing more than to fire Daniel M. Snyder every day, but you would probably get tired of reading that. Today, however, is Daniel M.'s day for a pink slip.

Friday Firings: Roethlisberger Engagement; Red Sox Nation Panic; Iverson Tirade

Steelers QB and ladies man Ben Roethlisberger has confirmed that he's engaged, a development that probably deserved its own post. But to avoid making unfair speculation, ruthlessly attacking his fiancee and possibly getting sued for libel, the HR Department is going on a firing spree today.



Marriage material? Yeah, no.

Fire Big Ben's Engagement: By all accounts, Big Ben has been a terrible person for years: at least two women have accused him of rape (but you knew that); he's been accused of peeing on the course during a round of golf; and he's refused to pay bar tabs, arguing that he should drink free because his presence brings in customers. Now with his reputation in tatters, Ben said he's marrying Ashley Harlan, a 27-year-old physician's assistant who lives with her parents. He claims this is not a move to rehabilitate his image, but he described her as his "friend" with whom he's had an on and off relationship since 2005. He also suddenly found religion, saying he won't live with her before the marriage because of their beliefs. People can change, and maybe Ben genuinely wants to get married. But more likely he's doing this for show and Harlan is going to regret the deal she made. The over/under on the length of this marriage should be 3 years. Any takers?

Fire Red Sox Nation in Panic Mode: The Sawx have started the season 0-6, and the Boston faithful are a little upset. Anyone who looked objectively at the Red Sox going into the season probably knew that the team was pretty much a glorified beer-league softball outfit: great lineup, iffy pitching. So far the team has been outscored 38-16 with a team ERA of 7.13. Clearly this isn't going well so far, but the Sawx have yet to play a game in their security blanket of a home field (aka Fenway) and nothing in April matters anyway. If Boston goes 0-15, then it's time to be afraid. Until then, fire the Boston panic-button pushers.


Fire Allen Iverson's Tirade: Iverson was the passenger in a car that was pulled over last week and the driver was cited for failing to signal while changing lanes and for having expired tags (even though the car belonged to Iverson). Not exactly felonies, but Iverson acted like the police just told him he was late for practice. Iverson told the cop: "Take the vehicle, I have 10 more," and "Police don't have anything else (expletive) to do except (expletive) with me." He also asked the cop if he knew who Iverson was, then spent 20 minutes explaining. Apparently Iverson was especially upset because he was on his way to dinner. Iverson later apologized for the incident, but too many athletes act like they don't have to follow the rules because they're better than everyone else. Fire Iverson and his attitude.   

Fire Postseason College Basketball Rankings

UConn's shirts say it's #1, so it must be.

UConn was not the unanimous number-one team in the recently released ESPN/USA Today Coaches Poll, which underscores the fact that postseason rankings should be fired.

UConn received all but one first-place vote, which went to Ohio State. Northern Arizona Coach Mike Adras went rogue, explaining he voted for OSU because "I thought [it] was the best team in the country based on the entire body of work during the season."



If Ohio State is considered the best team in college basketball even though it didn't come close to winning the NCAA Tournament, then what's the point of the tournament (aside from making billions of dollars for the NCAA)? Adras is probably right that the 34-3 OSU team was better over the course of the season than UConn, which finished 32-9 including 9-9 in the Big East. But the purpose of the tournament is to crown a champion. UConn is selling sweatshirts for $36.95 that say "National Champions" not "Tournament Champions" because most people consider the tournament winner to be the overall champion. It's unnecessary to release rankings either confirming that fact or, in this case, sort of disputing it.

It's common in sports for a team that wasn't considered the "best" during the regular season to win a championship. If a team that wins a playoff isn't going to be collectively considered the best team, then you might as well just declare the team with the best regular-season record the champion. That's boring and nobody wants that, so let's fire this postseason poll.

Seriously, Iowa, Fire Coach Kirk Ferentz

Last month the HR Department fired Iowa football coach Kirk Ferentz, but since he still has a job in real life we're again calling for his tenure at Iowa to end now that one of the players injured during an excessive workout in January says he still can't play football.

DB Willie Lowe said recently that he isn't sure if he'll be able to play ever again and wants to sit out a year to regain his strength. He also said he lost 20 pounds and suffers from headaches every few days.

Ferentz said all 13 players hospitalized following the January workout have been medically cleared to play, but Lowe begs to differ and so do the parents of some other injured players. According to ESPN, at least two players who were medically cleared are still experiencing symptoms from the workout.

Lowe has asked for permission to transfer, but he's not the one who should be leaving Iowa. Ferentz approved the workout, he didn't seem to care when he found out his players had been hospitalized, and he has yet to apologize for what happened. As the head coach he is responsible for his players. He ignored that obligation. He should be fired.

Fire Competition Between Kitna and Romo



Bennett won't be a GM anytime soon.

Cowboys TE Martellus Bennett recently said on ESPN 103.3's Ben & Skin Show that he hopes QBs Jon Kitna and Tony Romo will compete for the starting spot next season, a ridiculous idea that should be fired.

"Kitna is one of my favorite people to play with," Bennett said. "Just being out there on the field with that guy just makes you play even harder. He made some things happen in limited time, so I think if he got a longer chance, he'd be able to do more."

Cowboys owner/GM/dictator Jerry Jones has no interest in benching Romo with three years remaining on a $67.4 million contract, so Bennett's suggestion isn't going anywhere. But what if the Cowboys did start Kitna? They'd get a player with a lifetime record as a starter of 46-69 who is 0-1 in the playoffs. His best single-season record as a starter is 8-8. His career passer rating is 77.5 and he has thrown 168 TDs against 163 INTs. Kitna is also 38 years old, didn't play a single game in 2009 and hasn't been a team's top QB since 2007. 

As for Romo, he is 38-17 as a starter with a 95.5 rating. Despite the crippling interceptions he tends to throw, he still has almost twice as many TDs as INTs in his career. Yes, his struggles in the playoffs are well documented (1-3) but he is only 30 years old and to blame him entirely for last season's terrible start (1-5) gives Wade Phillips a free pass. Sure Kitna was 4-5 as a starter (though he did lose the game he finished after Romo got hurt), but he benefited from having a new head coach after Phillips was fired.

Even Bennett himself didn't gain anything from Kitna's play, though he didn't do so great with Romo either. Bennett, who hasn't caught a TD pass since 2008, caught 14 balls in 2010 with Romo under center and 20 with Kitna. In his single-best receiving game last season with Romo he racked up 45 yards, while his best with Kitna was 32 yards.

Romo has had his share of performance issues, but the oldest QB to win a Super Bowl is John Elway at age 38 (bonus points if you knew that), and he retired afterward. Tony Romo may not bring Dallas a title, but he gives the Cowboys a better chance to win than Kitna. Maybe the Cowboys should make Bennett compete for his job next season.

Fire Clark Kellogg's NCAA Tournament Analysis

Clark, please put the mic down. 

A brutal NCAA Tournament final was made even worse last night by Clark Kellogg's nonsensical in-game analysis, so let's fire him before March 2012 rolls around.

CBS brought in Kellogg to replace Billy Packer when he quit in 2008. Packer, the perennial ACC apologist, set such a low standard that anyone this side of Tim McCarver had to be an improvement. Kellogg is definitely better than Packer, but that's like saying Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest was better than Gigli. We got these gems from Kellogg last night, ranging from incredibly obvious to incomprehensible.

With Butler down 35-28 in the second half and on the way to shooting 18.8% from the field, Kellogg informed viewers that "shot making has got to take place if Butler is going to win." Amazing insight.

In the second half, Butler center Andrew Smith caught the ball under the basket and attempted a layup that completely missed the backboard. Kellogg said: "He never knew where he was and was completely out of control, so that wasn't a good shot attempt." True, Smith didn't seem to know exactly where he was. But a player who is open under the basket should take that shot every, single, time.

And the best for last: Early in the second half, Smith committed a foul, which Kellogg described as "a bad cholesterol foul" for which "the rebound was the cure." Maybe Kellogg had a checkup earlier in the day and forgot he wasn't in a doctor's office.

Calling a game is hard. There is only one Vin Scully. But so many people would kill for Kellogg's job and there are so many good analysts out there (hat tip to CBS for bringing in Steve Kerr this year), that there is no reason viewers should be treated to a heaping bowl of Kellogg's mediocrity.

Fire BYU Fans' Defense of Jimmer Fredette

Fredette's fans didn't sell the idea that Jimmer is so great.

ESPN columnist Rick Reilly recently wrote a column criticizing BYU's Jimmer Fredette, and while his 800-word piece was about 799 words too long (Reilly said Fredette is overrated), the BYU fans who attempted to defend Fredette did such a poor job that they should be fired.

The HR Department is generally against criticizing amateur athletes for their play, so we'll try not to bash Jimmer (no promises) and stick to criticizing Jimmer's defenders. Reilly only published a handful of responses to his column, so we'll just have to go with what we have.

"Jimmer Fredette has captivated the nation with his talent and had one of the most memorable personal college basketball years in recent memory."

Will we remember his season several years from now? If you can name the Naismith Award winner from 2007, you win a prize and disprove this argument. If not, then Jimmer's season was probably forgettable. (The '07 Naismith winner was Kevin Durant.) As for his season captivating the nation - so what? The OJ trial and Rebecca Black's music video have captivated the nation. Doesn't mean they're good.

"While he is certainly no Pete Maravich and he may not become an NBA All Star, he was the very best player in college basketball and captivated the nation."

Again with the "captivated the nation" argument. As for him being the "very best player in college basketball" this season, yes he was by some measures. But is the guy who wins the trophy always the best player? If UConn wins the national title tonight, a lot of people are going to make the case that Kemba Walker was the best player in the country and his stats back that up: 23.7 points, 4.6 assists, 5.4 rebounds per game and a field goal percentage of 34% (Jimmer had 28.9 points, 4.3 assists and 3.4 rebounds per game while shooting 40% from the field).  

"Jimmer will have a great life because he's a great kid. He treats his fellow man with respect and would never say a bad thing about anyone."

If true, that's wonderful and Jimmer is a role model. But what does that have to do with his game? And just because he's a good guy, does that mean Reilly can't criticize him? We wouldn't give a president a free pass just because he once helped an old lady cross the street.

"I don't understand why... you had to basically insult me and 11 million other people's religion. Why is it bad to teach not to have pre-marital sex? True, you never said in the column that it was wrong, but the way you throw around my beliefs without even understanding them really disappoints me."

This comment gets to the real issue. Some people think that by criticizing Fredette, who is Mormon, Reilly criticized all Mormons. Absurd. This particular reader even admits that Reilly "never said in the column that [Mormon beliefs are] wrong." The reader seems to feel that because Reilly isn't Mormon, he's not capable of discussing Mormon beliefs. Maybe this fan (and others) shouldn't discuss Reilly's column since they very clearly don't understand it.

None of Jimmer's fans addressed any of the criticisms Reilly made of Fredette's actual game, and so the HR Department (grudgingly) gives Reilly a win on this one.

Fire Moon's Claim That Newton is Victim of Racism

Moon: great at playing football and race cards.

Earlier this week NFL Hall of Famer Warren Moon told CBSSports.com that some pre-draft criticism of top QB prospect Cam Newton is racially biased, and for that he should be fired.

Moon said: "[Newton] is being held to different standards from white quarterbacks. I thought we were past all this stuff about African-American quarterbacks, but I guess we're not. I don't see other quarterbacks in the draft being criticized by the media or fans about their smile or called a phony."

Moon was likely referring to comments made by Nolan Nawrocki of Pro Football Weekly, who said Newton is "very disingenuous" with "a fake smile [that] comes off as very scripted." He also called Newton "selfish" with "an enormous ego" and "a sense of entitlement that continually invites trouble and makes him believe he is above the law." In addition, he "does not command respect from teammates and always will struggle to win a locker room," Nawrocki said.

It would seem very difficult to make that sort of scathing appraisal in limited contact with someone, and it's hard to say what "a fake smile" has to do with Newton's ability to throw a football. Maybe Nawrocki is a racist. Or perhaps Newton stood Nawrocki up for an interview and he's bitter. But maybe his comments are completely accurate, and should he not be able to make them simply because Newton is black? Most tellingly - Moon did not actually refute ANY of Nawrocki's (or any one else's) criticism of Newton.

Moon, who serves as an advisor to Newton, said many have questioned whether Newton can transition from the spread offense to a pro-style offense, but Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford (a Native American), who played in similar college schemes, faced few of the same questions. He's wrong. In a 2010 draft preview, NFL Draft Dog.com said: "Most of the passes in the [Oklahoma] playbook are out of the shotgun formation. That brings us to perhaps the biggest concern that GMs have about not only Bradford but almost all of the college spread formation quarterbacks—what about his footwork?"

Then there's JaMarcus Russell, the latest cautionary tale whom Moon said is being lumped with Newton. Russell was as hot a prospect in 2007 as Peyton Manning in 1997. ESPN's Todd McShay said at the time (to his everlasting shame no doubt): "I can't remember being in such awe of a quarterback in my decade of attending combines and pro days. Russell's passing session was the most impressive of all the pro days I've been to. His footwork for such a big quarterback was surprising. He was nimble in his dropbacks, rolling out and throwing on the run." Russell didn't draw the same type of criticism as Newton has, so perhaps there is just something about Newton that rubs people the wrong way and is unrelated to race?

Moon experienced racism in his life and knows of what he speaks. But it seems like every time there is criticism of a black athlete that could be construed as racist, someone plays the race card. Moon said he "thought we were past all this stuff with African-American quarterbacks." As long as people keep bringing up race on questionable grounds, we won't get past it.