Fire a NFL Team in Toronto

This is as close as Toronto will get to the NFL.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and his brother Doug, a city councilor, said that they would love to have a NFL team in Toronto and that they don't think that franchise would hurt Toronto's CFL team, the Argonauts. These absurd ideas should be fired.

Rob said a NFL team wouldn't kill the Argos because "there are a lot of football fans here,” and Doug said: “We’re huge supporters of the CFL. Rob goes down to the games all the time. He’s passionate about the CFL. The Greater Toronto Area is over five million people so I think there are more than enough people to support both teams.”

Two issues here. First, the track record of American sports leagues putting teams in Canada isn't real good. The Vancouver Grizzlies lasted only 6 years before moving to Memphis; the Montreal Expos expired after 35 years and 1 playoff appearance; and despite Canada's obvious hockey obsession, there are now only 6 NHL teams north of the border with two having relocated to the U.S. Among the remaining non-hockey teams in Canada, the Toronto Raptors and Toronto Blue Jays have become afterthoughts in their respective leagues.

The NFL has even experimented with moving a team to Toronto, allowing the Bills to play a total of 8 "home" games there between 2008 and 2012. The Bills played only 1 game at the Rogers Centre in 2010, but they were 3,500 shy of selling out the 54,000-seat stadium.

Second, despite what the Fords seem to think, it is totally implausible that a NFL franchise would not wreck minor-league football in Toronto. Historically, cities with a minor-league team that then get a major-league one don't have two teams in the same sport for very long. Minor league baseball thrived in cities like San Diego, Los Angeles and Oakland for more than 40 years until they each got major league teams, which spelled the end of lower-level baseball in those places. Beyond that, the CFL season runs June through November and it's safe to say that very few football fans would choose to see the Argos over the NFL in the fall.

Doug Ford asked: “How can the NFL keep ignoring one of the largest markets in North America?” The NFL has much bigger things to consider than moving a team to Toronto. Even after the labor dispute is settled, the NFL is going to focus on moving a team to Los Angeles. America's #2 media market is and has been for years the NFL's top expansion (or relocation) priority. The Fords can wish, hope and pray all they want, but other than a couple Bills games here and there, Toronto will not (and should not) see NFL action.

Fire Ozzie Guillen's Fan Criticism

One of these days, Ozzie is going to lose his job.

White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen lashed out at his critics yet again, saying fans shouldn't be so forgetful that he brought them a championship.

Ozzie may have ended an 88-year drought, but that doesn't mean he is exempt for life from criticism. Guillen said fans have short memories and they now urinate on the display at U.S. Cellular Field that commemorates the team's 2005 World Series victory "when they're drunk."

Guillen later said his comments were taken out of context, but that always seems to be the excuse he uses when he pisses someone off. In fairness to Ozzie, his sloppy English does make him hard to understand, but he would be the most misquoted man in sports if he were taken out of context as often as he insists.

Ozzie's real problem isn't his comments or forgetful fans. It's that the White Sox haven't made the playoffs since 2005. No fan would be happy about that sort of drought, especially given the Sox only made the playoffs 3 times between 1983-2004.

All fans can be rightfully accused of having short memories, but complaining about them isn't going to win Ozzie any fans or ballgames. He needs to stop criticizing people who pay his salary, then weakly making excuses about being misunderstood. Until Ozzie shuts up and manages, he should be fired.

Friday Firings: Derrick Rose, Rays Fan Ejection, UT Slush Fund

With Memorial Day weekend upon us, seems as good a time as any to survey things worthy of pink slips across several sports.

Rose: Definitely not a playoff MVP.

Fire Derrick Rose's Playoff Performance - Bulls G Derrick Rose must be saying: "That. Just. Happened." The reigning MVP had probably the worst 4:31 ever during the 4th quarter of Miami's 83-80 victory last night to close out the Eastern Conference Finals. At the start of Rose's epically bad stretch, his team lead 73-63. Then Rose went down like the Titanic and Miami went on a 20-7 run. Over the game's final 4:31, Rose shot 1-4 from the field, 1-4 from the foul line, turned the ball over twice, and committed 3 shooting fouls. Rose's overall playoff performance was nowhere near that bad (27.1 ppg, 4.3 rpg, 7.7 apg, almost identical to his regular-season stats), but a true MVP does not collapse the way Rose did when the season is on the line. This also shows the drawback of giving out MVP awards without taking the playoffs into account.

Fire the Devil Rays for Ejecting a Fan Who Wore a 'Yankees Suck' Shirt - The Tampa Bay Devil Rays ejected season-ticket holder Melvin Little because he refused to take off his "Yankees Suck" t-shirt while attending a home game against the Yankees with his sons 2 weeks ago. Little said a security guard told him "'Major League Baseball has determined that the shirt constitutes profanity'" so his options were to cover it up/take it off or leave. Even though Little is paying $20,000 for his seats this season, he chose to leave.

Everyone knows that every sporting event in America has its share of a-hole fans saying vile things, most of whom NEVER get removed from the stadium. Little wasn't hurting anyone, and as one of 3 Devil Rays season-ticket holders, he probably deserves a little leeway to wear the shirt. The FCC allows people to say "suck" on television, but the suddenly pious MLB has decided it's not acceptable at a ballgame? Most likely, the Yankees bitched that they didn't want people wearing the shirts, and because Bud Selig will do anything to keep his cash cow happy, he went ahead and banned them. The Devil Rays should have had the guts to leave Little alone, and until the team grows a pair, it should be fired.  

Fire University of Tennessee's Fund to Make Mistakes Go Away - The Volunteers reportedly will spend $9.1 million between 2005 and 2012 to buy out 6 coaches the school fired including 2 head baseball coaches and football coach Phil Fulmer (who will get the bulk of the cash). That doesn't include another $800,000+ for the coaches' former staffers. The school apparently has a special fund set up just to cover these buyouts. While nothing is illegal (or even that unusual here), this absolutely has to stop. The NCAA seems to like regulating things, so it should get a handle on these sort of "whoops" funds. In this case, the state of Tennessee should also be furious that its top public university is throwing away this kind of cash on sports. If the NCAA doesn't stop this, the state should.

Fire George W. Bush's Catching Skills

During a recent Rangers/White Sox game in Texas, former President George W. Bush failed to protect himself and his wife when a foul ball landed just inches from their seats. This general wussiness and lack of chivalry should be fired.

W remained seated with a slightly confused look on his face (not unlike when his people tried to explain to him why the economy collapsed in 2008) as a foul ball from Texas 3B Adrian Beltre went over the protective screen surrounding W's front-row seat and nearly smacked the ex-prez. in the head. Laura Bush was seated right next to W and he made no move whatsoever in her direction.

Not only should more be expected from a man out with his wife, but more should be expected from a former Rangers owner who played high school baseball and can still throw a strike when called upon. Plus, it's not like this was a hard line drive. Those are scary and should only be caught by fans with gloves. This ball was a weak pop up.

Sadly W's actions should come as no real surprise. He bailed on that foul ball just like he bailed on grammar during his presidency.

Hire Barry Bonds' Generosity

Now we've seen it all.

Since May 21 came and went without the return of Jesus, most people assumed this is not the beginning of the end of days. Something very strange is going on, however, now that an attorney for beaten Giants fan Bryan Stow revealed that Barry Bonds has said he will pay for Stow's young children to attend college.

Stow's attorney, Thomas Girardi, told NBC Bay Area that in April Bonds visited Stow in the hospital for about an hour and left a signed bat for Stow's two kids, who are both in elementary school. Bonds apparently agreed to make the donation about a month ago, but had not made his decision public. Stow is a single father who remains in critical condition more than 1 month after he was savagely beaten by fans at Dodger Stadium in the parking lot after a Giants/Dodgers game.

Are we all wrong on Barry Bonds? Is he just a tortured, misunderstood artist rather than an all-time a-hole? Well, probably not. But apparently he's not all bad, either, and his extreme generosity should be commended. So hats off to you, Barry, just this once.

Fire the NBA's Uneven Discipline for Gay Slurs

Stern feels all slurs are not created equal.

NBA Commissioner David Stern announced yesterday that he fined Chicago's Joakim Noah $50,000 for yelling a gay slur at a fan during Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Noah should have been fined $100,000 just like LA's Kobe Bryant, so Stern should be fired for being uneven.

NBA Spokesman Mark Broussard explained the dollar discrepancy. "Kobe's fine included discipline for verbal abuse of a game official," he said.

Allegedly, both Noah and Kobe used the same hateful word to draw their fines, but Stern is drawing a distinction in the severity of their crimes because of the direction in which the two epithets went. As a result he is essentially saying that not all slurs are equal and that he cares more about his referees than his fans. Everyone who follows the NBA knows that Stern treats any remotely negative comments about officials as if someone had insulted his mother. That's fine, but vile words are vile words, and to whom they are said really doesn't matter (even though the fan who drew Noah's ire is not a sympathetic figure).

Noah's teammate Luol Deng showed why Stern needs to protect fans as he does referees. Commenting on the type of fan behavior Noah faced, Deng said "there's times where a fan like that, honestly I feel like jumping in the crowd and hitting him. We're humans, and the camera is not on that fan at all." Fan speech would ideally be regulated, but it's unrealistic to police 20,000 people to that extent. That means the players just have to control themselves, especially since Deng seems to have forgotten a little event from 2004 - the infamous "Malice at the Palace." Deng didn't say he's going to hit anyone, but in light of the NBA's history of players attacking fans, his statement is pretty disturbing.

Stern needs to step in and show that a slur is a slur, no matter who it's directed at or why it was said. The NBA absolutely doesn't condone homophobia, but it needs to show it by punishing players evenly and severely for these infractions.

Hire Fred Wilpon's Analysis of the Mets

Wilpon calls 'em as he sees 'em. (NY Daily News)

Embattled Mets principal owner Fred Wilpon showed once again that hindsight is 20/20, based on comments he made in a recent profile in The New Yorker. At least he's (mostly) realistic about the state of his team, and for that his statements should be hired.

Wilpon said that he was foolish to pay OF Carlos Beltran "based on that one series. He’s 65 to 70 percent of what he was.” Wilpon refered to Beltran's 2004 playoff performance in which he hit 8 home runs, drove in 14 runs and batted .435 in 12 games.

It certainly seemed like the Mets over-valued Beltran because of that one amazing playoff run when they signed him to a $119 million contract the following off-season. At the time Beltran had never hit above .307 and except for the 38 homers he smacked in 2004, had never hit more than 29 in a single season. Beltran has since had individual seasons in which he hit 41 and 33 homers, but he hasn't topped 10 since 2008. He hasn't batted above .284 in a full season since he signed with the Mets. Wilpon seems to have learned his lesson on that, at least.

Wilpon may also have learned a few lessons from George Steinbrenner, who thought that publicly embarrassing his players would motivate them. Yeah, not so much. Wilpon said of SS Jose Reyes that "he thinks he’s going to get Carl Crawford money. He’s had everything wrong with him. He won’t get it.” Safe to assume Reyes won't be back in a Mets uni next season. Then came Wilpon's most surprising comment, regarding the face of the Mets, 3B David Wright. “A really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar.” Wright was certainly on his way to superstardom, at least until his power numbers and his strikeouts went in the wrong directions starting in 2009. Wright is, however, getting superstar money at $14 million for 2011.

Wilpon's comments indicate that he is frustrated with his team's performance (any owner with a pulse would be) and he recognizes that he screwed up with Beltran, Reyes and Wright on varying levels. This may all seem like pretty obvious stuff, but there are plenty of delusional owners (Mike Brown of the Bengals) and owners who won't admit their mistakes (The Boss). Criticism isn't a good motivator for the coddled psyches of modern athletes, so Wilpon might want to keep some of his rhetoric in check. But realizing one's mistakes is the first step to improving anything, so perhaps there is hope for the Metropolitans with Wilpon in charge. That is if he manages to stave off financial ruin and hold onto the team.

Friday Firings: NCAA Doesn't Control BCS, High School Ref Punishment

This week's edition of Friday Firings focuses on amateur sports, which instead of reminding us of the purity and joy of athletic competition, sometimes showcase greed and stupidity. Two incidents this week demonstrated a little bit of both.

Fire the NCAA Passing the Buck on Football Playoffs - NCAA President Mark Emmert told the Justice Department this week that beyond licensing the postseason bowls, "the NCAA has no role to play in the BCS or the BCS system." Um, what?  We're expected to believe that the NCAA has no control over the BCS, even though its member organizations play in those bowl games?

Emmert was trying to defend the NCAA against anti-trust allegations, and in typical form he tried to explain why any accusations should be directed at the BCS, not his organization. Not only is he throwing the BCS (his partner in crime) under the bus, he's probably lying, too. The NCAA created the BCS and by Emmert's own admission, certifies its existence, so it can't possibly claim lack of control with any credibility. This is also an attempt by the NCAA to say that a lack of playoffs is the BCS's fault, not the NCAA's. If what Emmert said is true, the BCS would have to disband itself in order for a playoff to happen. It seems safe to say that the money-making machine of the BCS isn't going to be shutting itself down, so it is up to the NCAA to pull the plug. But if the governing body won't even acknowledge that it controls the BCS, we won't be seeing a playoff anytime soon. 

The offending whistle.

Fire Commissioner Who Punished Referees for Supporting Breast Cancer Awareness - High school football referees in the Pacific Northwest have been punished for sporting pink whistles for a week in the fall of 2010 in an effort to raise awareness for breast cancer. The Pacific Football Officials Association wanted to wear the special whistles, which were deemed a "stunt," as well as donate their game checks, in support of the cause. But the Washington Officials Association would have none of that sort of do-goodery on its watch, no sir! WOA Commissioner Todd Stordahl said the referees didn't have the authority to wear non-regulation whistles and his governing body decided that an appropriate punishment would be the loss of playoff-game work for the offenders as well as a 3-year probation. If those evil referees do anything else to raise eyebrows while on probation, they could all be fired, according to a report.

It is truly disgusting that someone like Stordahl is so drunk on the puny bit of power he has that he would act in such a mean-spirited way. Pink whistles were a nice gesture that harmed no one, except for perhaps poor Stordahl's ego. "How dare anyone defy the mighty Stordahl! I'll show those refs," he might have thought to himself. What he really showed is that he is heartless, and for that he should most definitely be fired.

Fire Kareem's Statue Dream

Kareem's greatness can't be denied, but his statue can be.

NBA legend and Lakers great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar said recently that he wants a statue of himself outside the Staples Center, and while he probably deserves one based on his play, he most definitely doesn't based on his character.

Kareem said recently that the Lakers have either made "an oversight" or are taking his contributions to the franchise "for granted." He also said he is "highly offended by the total lack of acknowledgement of my contribution to Laker success."

The Lakers retired Kareem's number long ago, so that seems like a pretty clear acknowledgment of his contributions to the franchise, but since the big guy isn't satisfied with that, let's take a look at what he did in his career. He won 5 titles with the Lakers (6 total), he was a 6-time MVP, he is the all-time scoring leader in NBA history and he was selected to a record 19 all-star games. Based on that alone, he probably does warrant serious consideration for a statue. And who's to say he hasn't gotten that already?

The problem is, the Lakers shouldn't be honoring a guy who behaves the way Kareem has no matter how great he was. He has a pretty long history of legal trouble dating at least to the 1980s. In 1998 he was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. In 2000 he was arrested for suspicion of driving while high on pot. In 2010 he was arrested again for suspicion of DUI.  As for more serious charges, Abdul-Jabbar was convicted of assault in 1989 after a shoving incident in a shopping mall. In 1997 he was sued for assault stemming from a disagreement over a parking space outside a yogurt shop. He eventually agreed to undergo counseling in exchange for the suit being dropped. Not one to miss out on the fun of suing someone, Kareem successfully sued ex-NFL player Karim Abdul-Jabbar because the football player had almost the same name and, well, he was born second. In 2010, Kareem filed suit against Upper Deck for using his likeness from his college days on a trading card in 2009-2010 without his permission.

The Staples Center currently has statues of Magic Johnson and Jerry West along with Wayne Gretzky, Chick Hearn and Oscar De La Hoya. Except for De La Hoya, who is really out of place in this group, the HR Department supports these statue selections. Magic was the face of the Lakers for a decade, and West is literally the face of the NBA (he inspired the league's iconic logo). Kareem was no less great as a player than either of those two.

Kareem should know, however, that nobody else ever asks for, let alone publicly demands, a statue. If you're at the point where you have to demand to be honored it's probably a sign that you don't deserve to be. If perfection were a requirement for recognition, nobody would get a statue. Kareem, however, has gone way beyond mere imperfection and doesn't deserve a life-size trophy.

Hire Charles Barkley's Enlightened Attitude

Chuck doesn't care what you're into as long as you win.

The "Round Mound of Tolerance" may become Charles Barkley's new nickname after he said recently that winning is a whole lot more important than sexual orientation.

On Mike Wise's radio show, Barkley said: "First of all, every player has played with gay guys. It bothers me when I hear these reporters and jocks get on TV and say: ‘Oh, no guy can come out in a team sport. These guys would go crazy.’ First of all, quit telling me what I think. I’d rather have a gay guy who can play than a straight guy who can’t play.” Barkley's comments came in response to Suns President Rick Welts' admission that he is gay.

Barkley's words stand in stark contrast with other current and former NBA stars who have made remarks that would discourage anyone from coming out. In 2007, ex-player Tim Hardaway said he hates gay people. That same year, LeBron James said he couldn't trust a gay teammate who wasn't open about his sexuality. In 2011, Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 for using a gay slur toward a referee.

It's hard to say what Barkley's comments will mean for the future of gay athletes, but it marks the first time that a high profile hall of famer has dismissed homosexuality in sports as not being a big deal. Sir Charles is many things - laughably bad golfer, erstwhile Alabama gubernatorial candidate and amusing television analyst. What he is not is a liar. Barkley has said a lot of ridiculous (and sometimes offensive) stuff over the years, but he always seems to mean what he says. This could prove a watershed moment for acceptance in all sports, or it could be forgotten next week - swept away by the flow of hourly news cycles. At the very least, gay athletes will know that one very large (in every sense) former star athlete doesn't have a problem with them. And that is a big step.  

Fire Bernard Hopkins' Comments on McNabb

Hopkins should save his jabs for the ring.

Recently, boxer and Eagles fan Bernard Hopkins unleashed some of the most scathing criticism to date of Donovan McNabb, expressing or implying that the former Eagles QB is a wimpy Uncle Tom who isn't truly African American.

Hopkins said that because McNabb didn't grow up in poverty, his skin color is "a suntan." He also said he knows why McNabb felt betrayed when he was traded to Washington. "Why do you think McNabb felt he was betrayed? Because McNabb is the guy in the house, while everybody else is on the field. He's the one who got the extra coat. The extra servings. He thought he was one of them."

Since Hopkins gets hit in the head a lot, it might be asking too much for him to explain himself (he has not), and McNabb has declined comment. Rumor has it that Hopkins got his feelings hurt when McNabb supposedly snubbed Hopkins once at an Eagles team function and has been trashing McNabb in public ever since.

McNabb has never been in legal trouble, never cheated on his wife as far as we know, and never really responded to the crap he gets from people like Hopkins. And yet, he is a magnet for over-the-top criticism from just about everyone. He once even got bashed by an Eagles fan because he was doing charity work.

It's hard to say what it is about McNabb that sets people off, but Hopkins' comments seem to get at a particular issue. Some blacks in America seem to feel that any black person who didn't grow up in poverty is somehow not really an African American. The charge was thrown at President Obama and persists in some circles (read foolish people), and it was leveled more recently by ex-NBA player Jalen Rose at current NBA player Grant Hill because Grant's father was an NFL star and Grant went to Duke. It's understandable that people like Hopkins would be jealous of someone who grew up in better circumstances than they did. But why use that against them rather than to show that black people can and do make it in America?  

In a twist that was unexpected to say the least, Rush Limbaugh defended McNabb (yes, really). Limbaugh, who got fired from ESPN because of race-related comments regarding McNabb, said: “I said nothing close to what Bernard Hopkins was saying. I never said a word about McNabb and blackness. I was talking about the media from start to finish....This poor guy cannot, he cannot catch a break. And it’s disgruntled African Americans that are jumping down his case, about the way he was raised? It is horrible, it is distasteful."

Rush is right about McNabb (cue the Apocalypse). It's a disgrace that a man like McNabb, who has been an example of the sort of behavior we all hope to see from athletes, is dissed at literally every turn. Hopkins held up Terrell Owens (who has pissed off a few teams) and Michael Vick (who may have had a few legal issues) as examples of people who are real African Americans. Those people are not role models; McNabb most definitely is. Until Hopkins learns the difference, he should stop talking.

Fire Jorge Posada's Tantrum

(William Perlman/The Star-Ledger)

Jorge isn't a happy camper right now.

In a rare classless move, Jorge Posada took himself out of the lineup on Saturday and basically threatened to retire because he's just so darn frustrated with his season.

Posada returned to normal on Sunday, apologizing to pretty much everyone in the organization except the bat boy. No one can blame Posada for being frustrated - he's no longer catching, he's batting .165 (with a .278 OBP), and he was slated to hit 9th on Saturday before he threw a fit. Posada chalked it up to a "bad day." “Everybody has a bad day," he said. "I think I just had one yesterday. And I’ll try to move on.”

We should all have the sort of "bad day" where we are scheduled to start a Major League Baseball game and get paid $80,864 for it. Posada is a competitive guy with pride, and there's nothing wrong with feeling frustrated. He's had a borderline hall-of-fame career and he's not yet able to accept that his time is nearly up. That's normal and that's fine.

Derek Jeter later came to the defense of his longtime teammate, saying: "If I thought he did something wrong, I'd be the first to tell him." Posada did do something wrong because he set a terrible example for younger players (and fans) by making Saturday about Jorge Posada rather than beating the Red Sox, to whom the Yankees lost. Posada isn't likely to make his displeasure so public again, but it's also not clear he has moved on. The Yankees are 20-18, in second place in the AL East and in the thick of what is shaping up to be a very tight division (the last-place Orioles are 19-20). The Yankees will have enough trouble fighting the other teams; they don't need to be fighting with their own players, too.

Friday Firings: Lakers Practices, Wizzards Unis, Jeff Francoeur

After a 15-hour hiatus thanks to a Google fail, there's lots of firing to be done. Let's just get down to it.

If Bynum wants to win, he'd better practice.

Fire the Lakers Bad Practices - The Lakers are searching for scapegoats after their 4-0 loss to the Mavericks, and they're pointing fingers at, well, themselves. Glass-kneed Andrew Bynum said that the team didn't take practice seriously because Kobe Bryant was too banged up to join in throughout much of the season, which led to the postseason meltdown. As Allen Iverson once said, "we're talkin' 'bout practice!" But practice matters, and it's pathetic that a bunch of guys getting paid millions of dollars couldn't bother to turn up the intensity without big brother Kobe to keep them in line. Sure, practice can be tedious but it's too bad. The Lakers need to do a mini rebuild and find some more guys who actually care about winning.

Fire the Wizards New Uniforms - The Wizards recently unveiled a new look that looks a lot like their old look, when they were known as the Bullets. New owner Ted Leonsis (who also owns the Capitals) is really good at coming up with new jerseys for his teams, but he's not so good at actually putting together teams that win. This new look is retro cool, but why look to the past? The Wizards need to focus on rookie John Wall and building toward the future, not looking back to the 1970s, even if that is the last time the franchise mattered. When your team goes 3-38 on the road as the Wiz did in 2010-2011, your wardrobe should be low on your list of concerns.

Fire Jeff Francoeur's Sympathy for David Wright - Royals OF Jeff Francoeur, a one-time, part-time player for the Mets, said recently that the Mets should re-configure Citi Field because "poor David hits the ball to right-center so well and there it's an out." It's true that Wright struggled to hit homers in 2009 with just 10 after he'd hit 33 the year before, but he rebounded last year with 29. Maybe Francoeur is just bitter that things didn't work out so well for him in New York. Or Atlanta. Now that he's off to a nice start in 2011, he needs to just focus on doing his job rather than whining about "poor" David Wright and the Mets.

Fire Fiesta Bowl Punishment

The BCS has decided to fine the Fiesta Bowl $1 million but will allow it to remain in the BCS. This punishment didn't fit the crime and should be fired.

BCS Executive Director Bill Hancock said: ''The message is they had cleaned house and addressed their problems, but our group doesn't believe they went far enough."

The BCS didn't go far enough, either. First, $1 million is (sadly) a tiny fraction of the Bowl's $15 million net assets. Second, as mentioned in a previous HR Department firing, the Fiesta Bowl dumped its president after John Junker was implicated in a scheme to reimburse employees for campaign contributions with Fiesta Bowl money. He was also found to have used Bowl money to pay for things like strip club visits. If Junker had been the only bad boy, perhaps giving the Fiesta Bowl a spanking and sending it back to play in its giant money bin would have been fine. The problem is Junker was covering up campaign contributions for other people and he didn't attend that strip club by himself. Beyond that, an initial Bowl-sponsored investigation into Junker dismissed allegations of wrongdoing.

The BCS did recognize that the Fiesta Bowl's culture was rotten, and said the group will have to get a new accountant (PriceWaterhouseCoopers is clearly inadequate in covering up theft) and fire any board members who did anything wrong. That's all fine and well, but Junker and others were engaged in organization-wide wrongdoing that many people seemed to condone, ignore or covered up. What more should a bowl have to do to get kicked out of the BCS?

The NCAA is still deciding whether or not it wants to continue licensing the Fiesta Bowl and the No One Cares Bowl, also known as the Insight Bowl, which is run by Fiesta. Asking the NCAA to do the right thing and boot the Fiesta Bowl from the BCS is like asking Donald Trump to shut up, but these are strange times. Everything comes back to consequences, and right now a BCS member that flagrantly flaunts the laws of decency and common sense, not to mention the tax code, can apparently get away with a little bad publicity and a fine. When the punishment doesn't fit the crime, the crime doesn't stop. This inadequate punishment needs to be fired.

Fire FIFA

To the shock of no one (least of all FIFA), new accusations have surfaced alleging serious corruption among soccer's international governing body. Given the extent of the allegations and the years of rumored and proven abuse among FIFA's ranks, the entire board should be fired.

Blatter thinks FIFA's problem is only this big.



According to a report by the Associated Press, 6 FIFA members are accused of receiving or seeking bribes during bidding for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. Issa Hayatou of Cameroon and Jacques Anouma of the Ivory Coast allegedly received $1.5 million to vote for Qatar to get the tournament in 2022, according to the report. FIFA President Sepp Blatter responded that he is "fighting to clear FIFA" and that he will ask for evidence to support the allegations.

Blatter's lack of rage/surprise shows just how routine this alleged behavior has become with FIFA. When FIFA chose Qatar for the World Cup, just about everyone assumed that a nation with 110+ degree heat, inadequate facilities and a minor dislike of homosexuals, got the bid because they paid off some or all of FIFA. That assumption indicates a structural problem with FIFA - no one believes in the legitimacy of the bidding process, which only encourages further abuse.

By awarding the World Cup to the highest briber rather than the highest bidder, FIFA shows that it cares only about itself and not the game of soccer. If FIFA wanted to grow the game of soccer, as it has claimed, it would have capitalized on increased interest in the U.S or China. Instead, it's growing its own wallet. It's also doing a disservice to the future host country of Qatar, if Olympic history is any guide. When Greece hosted the summer games in 2004, it worked up until the final moments to have its facilities ready to go, barely completing them in time. Within 4 years after the Olympics, Greece's stadiums fell into disrepair and are now vacant. A similar fate likely awaits Qatar's facilities.  

Mohammed bin Hammam of Qatar said "FIFA is not corrupted. We are victims of the popularity of the game." That's about the weakest excuse he could have come up with and it in no way justifies or excuses FIFA's alleged behavior. A regime change is needed in the FIFA ranks, and until the entire board is overhauled, it will continue to be a corrupt organization that doesn't care much about the game it oversees.

Fire a Yankees Fan Potentially Wearing a Mets Hat

The HR Department tries to remain apolitical, but in this time of great unrest we can no longer sit on the sidelines. Without some help, a Yankees fan may be forced to wear a Mets cap (in Yankee Stadium no less!), a tragic and potentially dangerous proposition that must be fired.

Bethany Perskie, a Yankees fan and friend of the blog, has challenged her boyfriend, who for some reason is still a Mets fan, to a fund-raise off for the Damon Runyon Cancer Research Foundation's 5k at Yankee Stadium this August. If Bethany raises more money than her boyfriend, he will have to wear a Yankees hat and vice/versa.

The race has been described as "a unique fundraising run/walk that uses Yankee Stadium as its course" and all donations will go to cancer research and to helping Bethany avoid a potential run of shame (far worse than a walk of shame). Click here to help Bethany and maybe cure cancer, which is also important.

Fire Nowitzki as Top 10 All Time

Carlisle needs to simmer down when praising Dirk.

Mavericks Coach Rick Carlisle is expected to be a little biased, but when he said recently that Dirk Nowitzki is one of the 10 best to ever play the game he was flat wrong.

Carlisle told ESPN that: Dirk "is a top 10 player in NBA history because of the uniqueness of his game and how he's carried this franchise on his back for over a decade. He's just right. He's leading the team. His shot-making is great. He's passing the ball great. He's one of the guys that's directing traffic for us defensively."

That's not really overwhelming evidence, so let's look a little deeper. The two things Nowitzki does best are score from the field and score from the foul line. In those categories he's 23rd and 13th all time, respectively. Kind of hard to say he's top 10 when he's isn't one of the 10 best at either of the things he does best. He was the best for a season, in 2006-2007, when he scored 24.6 points per game, averaged 8.9 rebounds and won an MVP, but as Bill Simmons pointed out in "The Book of Basketball," Dirk's MVP campaign was statistically weaker than Larry Bird's best 9 seasons, Charles Barkley's 10 best seasons and Karl Malone's 11 best seasons.

Then there's the elephant on the court - the fact that Dirk hasn't won a title. The Mavericks have no doubt been handicapped by bias on the part of at least one NBA referee, but that's not the only reason Dirk is 0-12 when it comes to winning championships. Yes, the Mavericks just swept the Lakers and if they win a title this season, it will undoubtedly elevate Dirk on the all-time list. But look at consensus top-10 players like Bird, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain. Those guys all have multiple titles. A player doesn't have to win a title to be among the greatest ever (see Barkley and Malone) but nobody can get serious consideration for the top 10 without a ring. Nowitzki is without a doubt an all-time great, but he is just not as good as Carlisle said. 

Hire MLB (Maybe) Punishing Players For DUIs

Following a slew of recent DUI arrests around the Majors (Shin Soo Choo, Derek Lowe, CoCo Crisp, Austin Kearns, Miguel Cabrera), MLB is reportedly considering codifying the procedure for dealing with players who go wild with alcohol. This is progress and should be commended, but it's still not enough.



Kearns

According to the report, the collective bargaining agreement (set to expire Dec. 11, so mark your calendar for a lockout/strike!) has provisions that cover "drugs of abuse" but does not give Commissioner Bud Selig authority to punish players for alcohol issues. Right now all they face is confidential counseling.



This is a cop-out on Bud's part, because he can act "in the best interest of baseball," which allows him to do pretty much anything from firing an owner (ahem, Mr. McCourt) to deciding the Yankees must wear purple for all home games in August. He literally can do anything that isn't illegal, but he can't suspend players who get DUI busts? Really?

Selig wouldn't have to do anything if individual teams were capable of cleaning up their own mess, but since none of the aforementioned players has faced disciplinary action to date, it's clear MLB needs to act. The legal system is often too slow and too lenient for athletes to fear the consequences of their actions. MLB is on the right track, but it needs to really punish players the way the NFL does. Until that happens, DUIs will keep happening.

Friday Firings: NFL Draft Edition

Now that we've had the opportunity to digest the 2011 NFL Draft, we're firing three teams that sucker punched themselves for years to come by picking poorly. But first, a shout-out to Al Davis and the Raiders for miraculously, inexplicably (luckily?) not ending up on the list of fired teams. On with the show:

Jones has to be a star to justify this choice.

Fire the Atlanta Falcons - The Falcons traded away their first-, second- and fourth-round picks this year plus their first- and fourth-round picks in 2012 along with a bag of balls and 4 tickets to any home game in 2014 to the Browns so they could move up and take WR Julio Jones. Wait, don't the Falcons still have Roddy White - the guy who had 115 catches for 1,389 yards and 10 TDs last year? Why, yes, they do still have Roddy White! So what were the Falcons thinking? They wanted to improve their passing game, which was 15th in the NFL in terms of yards per game, and Jones will certainly help since he was the consensus No. 2 receiver in the draft.

But at what cost? The Falcons gave up so many picks that Jones has to become a Pro Bowler for this trade to be a success. In the first 4 rounds of the draft, teams can get future starters pretty easily so the Falcons basically gave up 3-4 starters for 1. This high price for Jones suggests the Falcons felt they were just one player away from the Super Bowl, and they're wrong. Atlanta had a great regular season in 2010 (14-2) despite a pretty bad defense. They gave up 20+ points 6 times (including 30+ points twice) in the regular season, then yielded 48 in their first-round playoff loss. Great teams (see the Patriots) stockpile picks and build teams through the draft. Bad teams (see the Redskins) frequently trade picks away. The Falcons will regret this trade.    

Fire the Cincinnati Bengals - The Bengals had a lot of needs, so no one pick was necessarily a terrible one. With their first pick they took WR AJ Green, the consensus No. 1 receiver in the draft. The team will surely need someone to replace the Tocho Show, but was that their most pressing need? Since Carson Palmer isn't going to play for them ever again, the Bengals need a new QB. They took QB Andy Dalton in the second round, a guy who has upside but isn't projected to be elite at this point. No matter how good Green is, he probably won't be throwing the ball to himself. Friend of the HR Department and Bengals fan Kevin Chaney said that Coach Marvin Lewis at a recent fan day responded to a question about who will throw Green the ball by saying "the quarterback of the Cincinnati Bengals with throw him the football." Your 2011 Bengals, everyone!

Fire the Minnesota Vikings - The Vikings are also in serious need of QB help and are supposedly very interested in Redskins QB Donovan McNabb. The team chose QB Christian Ponder in the first round, even though he was projected to be around in the second or third rounds. Some say the Vikings, who were desperate for a QB, had no alternative. The team is going to stink in 2011 no matter who their QB is, so why waste their high pick? The Vikings should have addressed another need and tried to pull off the McNabb trade or wait and see what happens with free agency when normal operations resume in the NFL. If the Vikings were dead set on drafting a QB in the first round, they should have traded up to get someone better. No matter how you look at it, this was a terrible move.

Fire the Washington Capitals

Ovechkin falls flat in the playoffs. Again. (Getty Images)

Capitals fans went from rocking red to seeing red last night as their team wilted in the playoffs for the 4th-straight season. This means it's time to break up the roster and get a new coach.

The Capitals made their share of mistakes but the team was also out-played in a series sweep by Tampa Bay. Washington has won its division 4 years in a row, yet the team hasn't advanced beyond the 2nd round of the playoffs in any of those seasons. The low point was last season when the Capitals blew a 3-1 lead in the first round against the Canadiens.  

The core of the Capitals roster (Alex Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Nicklas Backstrom) and its coach (Bruce Boudreau) have remained unchanged since early in the 2007-2008 season. For some teams, like the New York Yankees, years of continuity lead to years of titles. In DC, though, it hasn't happened. Unless the Capitals are satisfied with being regular-season champs every year, the team is going to have to make a major change somewhere.

The Capitals' playoff struggles also raise questions in particular about the greatness of Ovechkin, and it's sort of a mystery why he can't lead his team to a Stanley Cup title. He's a two-time Hart Trophy winner and he averages .63 goals per game in the regular season and .67 gpg in the playoffs, both of which are better career averages than Wayne Gretzky's. But Gretzky won 4 titles, 2 of them before he was Ovey's current age of 25. The Capitals shouldn't get rid of Ovechkin, but they should accept that he can't win a title by himself. Shouldn't a transcendent player be able to carry his team? Ovechkin just doesn't seem to be that sort of player, great as he is.

It's hard to say a team has completely failed when it's won 4 consecutive division titles, but the high-pressure world of pro sports demands more. A stagnant core roster has led to stagnant playoff results, so the team must be revamped if it's going to progress. It might take a coaching change or it might require trading one of the team's stars. But until a mini rebuild is under way, fire the Capitals.

Fire NHL Ban on Vancouver Green Men

This is way less annoying than a vuvuzela.

The NHL may soon by known as the "no hi-jinks league" now that a ban on Vancouver's Green Men forbids the two-man group from heckling penalized opposing players during games. This mean-spirited move should be fired right now.

The Green Men, who are pretty much a neon version of George Costanza's "Bodysuit Man," have been described as family friendly "merry pranksters of the penalty box [who] mock opposing players as they sit in the sin bin with props, pantomimes and acrobatic taunts."

The NHL didn't have the guts to inform the Green Men of the ban (they made the Canucks do it), and the league has not yet commented on the move. But former NHL goalie and "Hockey Night in Canada" broadcaster Glenn Healy expressed real contempt for the Green Men, saying: "We've simply had enough of looking at their rear ends and their crotches when players have to go to the box. It's about the game, it's about the players, it's not about guys doin' handstands. And the league's looked into it and they're going to make amends."

It's called home-ice advantage, Glenn, and there's nothing wrong with it. Or there wasn't until somebody decided there was. This isn't the first time the NHL has made this sort of decision, having banned octopus tossing in Detroit (a tradition since 1952) a few weeks ago. Unlike octopus tossing, which disrupts the game, the Green Men, who are paying customers themselves, are just there to entertain other fans and have some fun. Plus, the players earn more than enough money to put up with this minimal distraction while they're in the penalty box.

At the end of the day, sports is the entertainment business and the Green Men are entertaining in a harmless way. They're also pretty popular - they have over 80,000 Facebook fans, more than some NHL teams. The league is finally starting to recover from the crippling lockout in 2004-2005, but acting like the fun Gestapo isn't going to have fans clamoring for more game tickets. The NHL should lighten up, but until it does, it's fired.

Hire Philly's Reaction to bin Laden's Death

After years of vehemently defending their title as the worst fans in U.S. sports, the Philadelphia faithful finally showed some semblance of decency when they chanted "USA!" after learning that Osama bin Laden had been killed. Just this once, those fans should be hired.

As word of bin Laden's death spread during the top of the 9th inning of Sunday night's Phillies/Mets game, fans at Citizens Bank Park erupted into the sort of joyous, unified celebration not seen since the Phillies won the World Series in 2008. And that celebration was the first one since 1776.

Fictional ex-Major Leaguer Kenny Powers said he'd "play ball in front of a tribe of deformed savages like the ones in that movie '300' before [he'd] play in front of Philadelphia fans." Even though Powers is not real, his sentiment is. Philadelphia fans have been graceful in the last 100 years about as often as the Cubs have won the World Series. For example:

- in 1968 Eagles fans booed Santa Claus;
- in 1999 Eagles fans cheered when WR Michael Irvin suffered a career-ending injury;
- in 2010 Phillies fans cheered when a fan was tased on the field; and
- in 2010 a Phillies fan made himself throw up on a father and his two young girls.

Things got so bad that in the 90s a courthouse and jail were built under since-demolished Veterans Stadium specifically to deal with rowdy fans.

The death of bin Laden won't be a watershed moment in Philadelphia sports history, but it shows that somewhere really, really, really deep down, those fans have some heart. You stay classy, Philadelphia, if only for one day.

Fire MLB'S Uneven Discipline

McDowell: scariest thing in San Fran besides earthquakes. (Credit: AP)

Recent bad behavior by two members of the Atlanta Braves has highlighted MLB's disciplinary inconsistencies, which should be fired.

An investigation revealed that Braves pitching coach Roger McDowell made homophobic slurs and threatened fans with a baseball bat during an April 23 game in San Francisco. While supervising pre-game warmups, McDowell spotted 3 men and for no apparent reason asked them: "Are you guys a homo couple or a threesome?" He then made crude gestures toward them. When another nearby fan shouted at McDowell that "there are kids out here," the coach said kids don't belong in the ballpark and threatened to knock out the fan's teeth with a bat. For his actions, McDowell was suspended for 2 weeks without pay and fined an undisclosed amount.

Just days later, Braves pitcher Derek Lowe was busted for DUI. Since that alone wasn't stupid enough, Lowe was also cited for reckless driving and improper lane change. It is rumored that he was drag racing when he was pulled over. Lowe has yet to receive any disciplinary action from MLB and made his scheduled start over the weekend. Manager Fredi Gonzalez said the Braves never considered benching Lowe as punishment.

Why should players and coaches be held to markedly different standards when they're naughty? McDowell may or may not be sorry for what he did, but he probably won't threaten fans again because he knows there is a consequence (albeit a pretty light one that should be fired, too, because he deserves more than 2 weeks in time out). Lowe, on the other hand, may be able to avoid punishment until the off-season and by that time fans will have forgotten that he committed a crime.

No sports league can stop all its employees from doing dumb things, but if everyone knows there is a potential suspension waiting when they break the law, it will significantly curb bad behavior. Plus, look at the message MLB is sending. Not only do the players make much more money than coaches, but only coaches get in trouble when they're bad. So why should players respect the people who are supposed to be teaching them? MLB could clear all this up by firing an unfair and uneven disciplinary policy.