Friday Firings: Roethlisberger Engagement; Red Sox Nation Panic; Iverson Tirade

Steelers QB and ladies man Ben Roethlisberger has confirmed that he's engaged, a development that probably deserved its own post. But to avoid making unfair speculation, ruthlessly attacking his fiancee and possibly getting sued for libel, the HR Department is going on a firing spree today.



Marriage material? Yeah, no.

Fire Big Ben's Engagement: By all accounts, Big Ben has been a terrible person for years: at least two women have accused him of rape (but you knew that); he's been accused of peeing on the course during a round of golf; and he's refused to pay bar tabs, arguing that he should drink free because his presence brings in customers. Now with his reputation in tatters, Ben said he's marrying Ashley Harlan, a 27-year-old physician's assistant who lives with her parents. He claims this is not a move to rehabilitate his image, but he described her as his "friend" with whom he's had an on and off relationship since 2005. He also suddenly found religion, saying he won't live with her before the marriage because of their beliefs. People can change, and maybe Ben genuinely wants to get married. But more likely he's doing this for show and Harlan is going to regret the deal she made. The over/under on the length of this marriage should be 3 years. Any takers?

Fire Red Sox Nation in Panic Mode: The Sawx have started the season 0-6, and the Boston faithful are a little upset. Anyone who looked objectively at the Red Sox going into the season probably knew that the team was pretty much a glorified beer-league softball outfit: great lineup, iffy pitching. So far the team has been outscored 38-16 with a team ERA of 7.13. Clearly this isn't going well so far, but the Sawx have yet to play a game in their security blanket of a home field (aka Fenway) and nothing in April matters anyway. If Boston goes 0-15, then it's time to be afraid. Until then, fire the Boston panic-button pushers.


Fire Allen Iverson's Tirade: Iverson was the passenger in a car that was pulled over last week and the driver was cited for failing to signal while changing lanes and for having expired tags (even though the car belonged to Iverson). Not exactly felonies, but Iverson acted like the police just told him he was late for practice. Iverson told the cop: "Take the vehicle, I have 10 more," and "Police don't have anything else (expletive) to do except (expletive) with me." He also asked the cop if he knew who Iverson was, then spent 20 minutes explaining. Apparently Iverson was especially upset because he was on his way to dinner. Iverson later apologized for the incident, but too many athletes act like they don't have to follow the rules because they're better than everyone else. Fire Iverson and his attitude.